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130+ Best New York Jokes that You Need in Your Life Now!

As a 30+ year local, I know all about the pros and cons of living in New York City. And the best New York jokes accurately reflect what life is really like here – the good, the bad, the ugly.

Because while New York City is amazing, it’s definitely not perfect. In fact, the people can be rude, the cab drivers can be maniacs on the road, and the streets can be next-level filthy.

However, rather than crying about it, let’s laugh about it with some of the best jokes about New York City.

Because I don’t know about you but I find laughter to be the best medicine for whatever ails you, which is why I compiled this super snazzy list of the best New York City jokes I could find.

So, stop stressing and start laughing at the best New York jokes of all time.

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Best New York Jokes – NYC

Looking for the best New York jokes that deal with life in the city? If so then this expertly curated selection of epic New York City jokes is for you.

Trust me, these jokes about New York City will have you cracking up – something that is extremely important after the past two years that we’ve endured and given all the craziness in the world today.

Best New York City Jokes

1. “Eve wanted to leave Eden and move to New York, but why? Because The Big Apple captivated her.”

2. “Why are Indians attracted to New York? Because there’s a Delhi on every block.”

3. “Are there any signs that someone is from New York City? It won’t take them long to tell you, just give them a few minutes to introduce themselves.”

4. “After 5 years, what does an NYU graduate call a Columbia graduate? Boss!”

5. “When blondes move from New Jersey to New York, what happens? It makes both states smarter!”

6. “The temperature in NYC can reach 100 degrees, so what do you do to stay cool? Dress up as a police officer.”

7. “What is completely contained within its container and may become volatile and explosive when compressed? New York City subway commuters.”

8. “What differentiates Middle Earth from New York City? Two Towers.”

9. “What prevented Jesus from being born in New York? He couldn’t actually find a virgin or three wise men.”

10. “What is the best way to get from Boston to New York City? Follow the path south until you smell sh*t and west until you step in it.”

11. “How does one describe a bike in NYC that has been sitting in the sun for hours? Tire-less.”

12. “The Big Apple is home to what kind of hipsters? Bookworms.”

13. “Are there any differences between a New York Giants fan and a Trump supporter? New York Giants fans will admit their team stinks.”

14. “Where do eggs go on vacation? New Yolk City.”

15. “In which part of New York do cholesterol levels tend to be lowest? Statin Island.”

16. “It’s so cold in New York that the statue of liberty shoved the torch up her dress.”

17. “I was invited to a ball drop celebration in NYC tonight…It turned out to be a bar mitzvah.”

18. “Since it was so hot in New York City today, the mayor told the Statue of Liberty to put her arm down.”

19. “The Big Apple can’t play chess since it’s missing two towers.”

20. “When I was in NYC, a black man asked if the Yankees had won. I said, ‘Yeah, man, you’re free.'”

21. “A fisherman in New York City reeled in a 250-pound catfish measuring 6 feet 6 inches long. And I honestly don’t get what the big deal is. I do that on Tinder every day.”

22. “My health led me to move to New York City. Despite being paranoid, it was the only place where my fears were justified.”

23. “In New York, all the things I can’t afford are so convenient.”

24. “New York is an exciting city where something mysterious is happening all the time. And most of those mysteries remain unsolved.”

25. “It’s no surprise that New York City looks terrible in the morning. After all, it is the city that never sleeps.”

26. “What did the old New Yorker say to the woman with dirt on her shoes? “You gots schmutz on your foots, Toots!”

27. “Why did the New Yorker spray pam all over their body every night before bed? To wake up oily.”

28. “A nanosecond in NYC is the time it takes the car behind you to honk their horn when you’re sitting at a red light that has just turned green.”

29. “Think New Yorkers can’t get along? I just saw two strangers share a cab…one took the battery and the other took the radio and tires.”

30. “Why are New Yorkers always so depressed? Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.”

31. “Exactly 2,417,529 people got married in NYC last year. Wait, how is that not an even number?”

32. “Studies recently showed that New Yorkers are offended by 9/11 jokes. Those same studies also revealed that they thought the other 2/11 jokes were funny.”

33. “Whoever left their iPhone X at Katz Deli in NYC, please stop calling my new phone.”

34. “Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Year’s Eve? They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second.”

35. “In NYC, one suicide in ten is due to a lack of storage space.”

36. “NYC is the only city in the world where you can be awakened by a smell.”

37. “Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.”

38. “In other parts of the country, couples try to stay together for the sake of the children. In New York, they try to work things out for the sake of the apartment.”

39. “Ugh, New Year’s Eve in NYC really sucked this year. Yeah, they really dropped the ball.”

40. “New Yorkers are confusing. Half of them say ‘fuggedaboudit and the other half keep saying ‘Never forget.'”

41. “My great grandmother worked on the Underground Railroad…But since she lived in NYC, we just called it the subway.”

42. “My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad, but New York City?”

43. “Even if you like New York, you’ll admit it’s not a nice place. It does things to a person. My uncle — ten years ago, this guy was a prominent judge in Manhattan; now he’s a wino living in Central Park. But out of respect, people still say, ‘May I approach the bench?’ And that’s sweet.”

44. “A homeless man goes up to a woman in NYC and says ‘I haven’t eaten in three days.’ She instantly says, ‘where do you get that kind of self-control?'”

45. “New York now leads the world’s great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn’t make a sudden move.”

46. “I live in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, which is a very hip, cool neighborhood in New York. And really, all that means is that I’m constantly surrounded by pretty girls who wear defiantly ugly clothing and a lot of dudes who look like they’re about to go operate a steam engine.”

47. “I live in New York. I love this city; it’s a great city. But I hate when people go, ‘New York City: 8 million people, 8 million stories.’ There’s three New York stories, all right: There’s ‘I moved here,’ ‘I lived here all my life,’ and Ghostbusters.”

48. “There are so many people in this city, so much happening, that it’s impossible to tell if your apartment is haunted. Think about that, that’s true. ‘Cause you can hear anything, at any hour — there’s always something to blame it on.”

50. “If you live in New York, even if you’re Catholic, you’re Jewish.”

51. “For in that city [New York] there is neurosis in the air which the inhabitants mistake for energy.”

52. “In New York, everyone is an exile, none more so than the Americans.”

53. “My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.”

54. “New York’s such a wonderful city. Although, I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, ‘I’d like a card.’ He said, ‘You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.’ So I stabbed him.”

55. “It’ll be a great place if they ever finish it.”

56. “Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.”

57. “There is more sophistication and less sense in New York than anywhere else on the globe.”

58. “New York is appalling, fantastically charmless and elaborately dire.”

60. “New York … when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.”

61. “I think part of picking where you live in New York is accepting who you are. Really looking at yourself and going, ‘Yeah, I’m not cool enough for the West Village.’”

82. “New York, like London, seems to be a cloacina [toilet] of all the depravities of human nature.”

63. “I’ll tell ya, in New York City, where I’ve lived far too long, fuck isn’t even a word, it’s a comma.”

64. “I never used to go to the beach ‘cause I come from Brooklyn, we only had Coney Island, which was an awful beach, though there were rumors during the war that enemy submarines, German subs, came into the bathing area at Coney Island, and they were destroyed by the pollution.”

65. “I love New York. It’s the only place where if you look at anyone long enough, they’ll eventually spit.”

66. “You white folks see UFOs in your dreams. You don’t hear about Martians in Harlem.”

67. “All over Manhattan, large families have become a status symbol. Four beautiful children named after kings and pieces of fruit are a way of saying, ‘I can afford a four-bedroom apartment and $150,000 in elementary-school tuition fees each year. How you livin’?’”

68. “I live in Brooklyn, but not Williamsburg. I auditioned to live in Williamsburg but didn’t get a callback.”

69. “One day there were four innocent people shot. That’s the best shooting ever done in this town. Hard to find four innocent people in New York.”

70. “People tell me, ‘Hey, if you quit smoking, you’ll get your sense of smell back.’ I live in New York City, I got news for you, folks, I don’t want my fucking sense of smell back.”

71. “I like New York. This is the only city where you actually have to say things like, ‘Hey, that’s mine. Don’t pee on that.’”

72. “New York: the only city where people make radio requests like, ‘This Is for Tina. I’m sorry I stabbed you.’”

73. “I’m fat in all the wrong places. Like Soho.”

74. “I like the ad on the subway: ‘If you see something, say something.’ It’s a lot better than their old ad: ‘If you see something, pee on it.’”

75. “Relationships are hard in NYC. I was walking home at 3 a.m., and a homeless man on a pay phone yells, ‘Hey, you wanna come talk to my father?!’ I thought, This is probably how I die, but also, how nice of him to want to introduce me to his family.”

76. “I went on a Statue of Liberty boat tour. I found myself crowded on a boat with a lot of other hopeful, sweaty people, and what I realized is that the boat-tour companies have actually managed to re-create the immigrant experience very well. About ten minutes in, all I could think was, Get me to America.”

77. “I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.’”

78. “New York is the only place where if you have talent and you believe in yourself, and you show people what you can do, then someday, maybe — just maybe — you could get shoved in front of a moving subway train.”

79. “It’s tough finding a good bar to go to in New York sometimes. That’s why I love karaoke so much ― it takes all the music I find annoying AND all the people I find annoying, and keeps it in one place I can easily avoid.”

80. “This guy came up to me at a party last week and asked me, ‘Where are you from?’ So I told him, ‘I’m from Queens, New York.’ And he’s like, ‘No, where are you really from?’ For those of you who don’t know, that’s code for Why aren’t you white?”

81. “In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.”

82. “I come from New York, where, if you fall down, someone will pick you up by the wallet.”

83. “I saw a license plate that said ‘I Miss New York,’ so I smashed their windows and stole their radio.”

84. “No matter how many times I visit this great city, I’m always struck by the same thing: a yellow taxicab.”

85. “In Manhattan, every flat surface is a potential stage, and every inattentive waiter an unemployed, and possibly unemployable, actor.”

86. “[New York] is all sex and violence. You can get your purse snatched and your rear end pinched simultaneously.”

87. “The Jews celebrate Passover by eating unpalatable food to remind them what will happen to their people if they ever leave New York City.”

88. “New York is very rough. They write theses on ‘What I Stole Over My Summer Vacation.’”

89. “Racist topics make me nervous. So much that I feel awkward when telling my black friends I’m hopping the N train.”

90. “Why don’t NYC friends play hide and seek? Because good luck hiding when the rent is this high!”

91. “What’s the quickest way to get around in New York? Just insult a driver, and they’ll tell you where to go!”

92. “Why did King Kong climb the Empire State Building? He couldn’t fit in the elevator!”

93. Have you heard about the hot new NYC restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu – you get what you deserve!”

94. “Why did the tomato turn red when it got to Times Square? Because it saw the salad dressing!”

95. “Did you ever notice how New Yorkers are like the city’s taxis? They never seem to sleep either!”

96. “What’s a New Yorker’s favorite exercise? Running… for the subway, that is!”

97. “The fisherman in New York City reeled in a 250-pound catfish measuring 6 feet 6 inches long. I don’t get what the big deal is. I do that on Tinder every day.”

98. “Where do eggs go on vacation? They go to New Yolk.”

99. “In Massachusetts, why do all the trees lean west? It’s because New York sucks.”

100. “How hard is it to drive a computer from Toronto to New York? Yeah, it’s be a hard drive.”

101. “What distinguishes Middle Earth from New York City? Two Towers.”

102. “How do you describe an NYC bike that has been sitting in the sun for hours? Tire-less.”

103. “Is there a differences between New York Giants fans andTrump supporters? Yeah, New York Giants fans will admit their team stinks.”

104. “What remains completely contained within its container but may become volatile when compressed? Commuters in the New York City subway.”

105. “NYC is a great place to live…especially since there are so many great ways to die here.”

106. “Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve? They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second.”

107. “New Years in NYC really sucked this year. Yeah, they really dropped the ball.”

108. “Trips to New York are super taxi-ing on your wallet.”

109. “In New York, vegan puns are always super corn-y.”

Best New York Jokes – New York State

Believe it or not, there’s a lot more to New York than New York City. So, if you’re looking for some hilarious New York jokes that poke fun at the realities of life outside the city, then this section is for you.

After all, it features all of the best very jokes about New York that have nothing to do with the city that never sleeps and that are sure to make you laugh.

Best New York jokes

110. “I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.”

111. “There’s so little greenery in NYC, it would make a stone sick.”

112. “Why do New Yorkers like to visit Minnesota? Because that’s where the mini apple is!

113. “Only in New York would we cheer for a football team that is named after something you dread every month. So, yeah. Go Bills!”

114. “I love New York. It’s an incredible place to live. Especially since there are so many great ways to die here.”

115. “Why aren’t Buffalo cheerleaders allowed to do the splits? They stick to the ground.”

116. “Being miserable and treating everybody like dirt is every New Yorker’s God-given right.”

117. “I just returned from a trip in Germany, and I realized just how awful American children are. Sure, they may be nice where I live in New York but kids in Germany are kinder.”

118. “Why do University of Buffalo grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards? To park in handicap spaces.”

119. “What’s a dog’s favorite state? New Yorkie.”

120. “Why is ‘The Wave’ banned in the Carrier Dome? Two Orangemen fans drowned last year.”

121. “Why don’t Syracuse football players sink in the Great Lakes? Because crap floats.

122. “What material does a New Yorker like to make his pajamas out of? Yawn.”

123. “It’s so cold in New York that the flashers just seem to be describing themselves.”

124. “How hard would it be to drive a computer from Toronto to New York? I would say it was a hard drive.”

125. “Is there a difference between New York and Paris? A single tower fell in Paris.”

126. “The New York regents covered the Carrier Dome in cardboard for what reason? It always looks better when the Orangemen are on paper.”

127. “How can you prevent a Syracuse fan from beating his wife? Dress her up in West Virginia Black and Gold!”

128. “When fat cows go on vacation, where do they go? Moo York.”

129. “In Massachusetts, why do all the trees lean west? New York Sucks.”

130. “Can you tell me the only thing that grows in Buffalo? The swelling on your head from getting jacked!”

131. “On the University of Buffalo campus, what do you call a good-looking girl? A visitor.”

Additional New York Resources You’ll Love

There you have it! That wraps up this guide to the best New York jokes of them all!

Tell me, did your fave NYC jokes make the list? If not then let me know in the comments below.

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